As I feel defeated these days by all the blows from life, I refuse to give up just yet.
Even in the pitch black of the darkness that I am in, I can see a dot of the light of hope within my soul. I believe it comes from the flames within it. I will rise from the ashes once again.
Meanwhile, the burning romantic love in my heart is so bright and so intense it started to become a burden to carry around. Sadly, is all inside of me and it deeply hurts.
I am not looking for someone to make me happy. I am not looking for someone to complete me. I am looking for someone that can blend with my in/sane life. Even if the fusion will create storms repeatedly. A life together with a partner. A life together while sharing a chaotic journey on an island far deep in Madness Sea.
I need to share this blaze today before than tomorrow. I need to share myself with someone but not just the good in me or good times. I need to share my all because I want it all and I am willing to give it all of my serious and sincere efforts. I want kink and I want vanilla. I want a man strong enough to be by my side and at my feet at the same time.
Impossible. Unrealistic. I am aware! I know my super high standards are too much to ask from a man. All I can find so far is one or the other, if at all at any given time. Apparently, for one reason or another, nobody wants all as well at the same time as me. It is always something that prevents it. Always something, ugh!
My creepy love does not come as-is. I am not looking to fit someone inside a box. My love can adjust, can adapt, and mold. Can sincerely compromise and when there is no way, try again together as partners with a common goal. The goal to have it all but together in the best way humanly possible.
The problem is that my glow comes from my very own hellfire. My flames are fueled by various endless supplies unrelated to love. I need someone that can and will choose my guiding light over anything else all over again every single day of his lifetime.
Meanwhile, the flames are consuming me again. Phoenix mode has never hurt this bad before because everyone and everything is over for this year’s main event. My great downfall. Somehow the pain makes it all the better and I feel right at home within the darkness of my cave.
Adapted from my Writings in FetLife – Sept. 2018
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