My “No Matter What” conditioning

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The Default

That is the core of what I learned from my mother growing up and unrelated to her, the religious brainwash as a young adult.

Mind you not as a human but as a female.

Be the pillar…no matter what
Be the lady…no matter what
Be the one…no matter what

blah,…no matter what
more blah, no matter what

Alternative Lifestyle

So, I chose to live an alternative way of living for good that suits and fits me better.

…but, noooo…

…with “BDSM”, the “No Matter What” performance that some type of “submissives” expects from me, because you know, I am not human, I am a deity, can add up to my depression and stress.

What Now

Well, that no matter what is slowly killing me again. Uncertain if this time I want to keep on pushing thru. Then again, I have ZERO choices and even though taking an action has not been open for discussion within myself in a long while, the ideation of it can be quite comforting at times. On other days, is not enough.

Lately. Today. It is on other days and the discussion has started to flow once again. I want to make it stop but my brain can be a stubborn asshat. Worst, life’s less than ideal situations keep piling up and coming daily.

Yea, yea, I have broken free from those chains but apparently my brains like them, so it brings me back to them by its own will. Ugh!

…unless it is idiots from my femdom lifestyle. For those MY will triumphs over my faulty brain quicker. They can go fuck themselves.

Yea, that was a free task. Go get it done. Don’t bring back results. Just disappear – GO!


May she rests her soul.

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